Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Sun Shopping: II

Well, as you may know, there is a rumor over there saying that BEA is being sold. We are not really interested in buying BEA nor anything that may resemble (real) software. Er, I mean, we are interested in buying authentic software companies, as those that build chic keyboards or wonderful monitors for our servers, but one has to listen to the market and the shareholders and so on, so, I'm beginning a pool to decide which company is best to be bought by Sun in a near future. I admit suggestions but while I receive your comments, I'll add some companies to start up: BEA, Oracle, SAP (I don't know why the call it a software company, as we sell huge iron whenever they sell their stuff, but, you know...), Micro$oft, IBM (their Lotus and software part, you know), RedHat and Novell. I'd also add Dell, but my intern here says they are not into the software business... ok then. Once we have a result, I'll ask you about ideas of what to do with them.
And they say I cannot manage a big company, ha!

Hiring at Sun

Yeah, I know, I have been out for a while, but you know, at first Jonathan kept me away of all the Micro$soft news (arrrgh, it still hurts when I recall the agreement... If I hadn't appointed the guy to the job...), with no real reason, as I think this is right for the business (arhg, that sting again, I will not mention that subject again). Then, I was a little bit busy trying to find adequate people to help Sun, people we call "intellectual capital", people capable to provide a difference. That's why I have been in conversation with Senator Ernest Chambers.
As you may know, Senator Chambers has just begun a legal battle with God, and that's one of the main reasons we want to hire him: If he is able to sue God, imagine what he will do with NetApp!!!
Dear folks of NetApp, didn't you have enough knowing what we did with Micro$oft? Didn't you know that we were able to get some billions from the Borg (as Jobso likes to say) after our legal battle? As you seem to be deaf, we will fight you as in the old times, whaaaaa!!!!
By the way, Jobso, thanks for providing me with such wonderful photo of me in the old times when I really did so much fighting against all those Borgs trying to dominate the world and so on...

Oh, and people from NetApp, no hard feelings, please, after we have gotten your money, we may became OEM resellers of your stuff, you know how this works.
(Pictures from the Wikipedia and from Fake Steve Jobs).

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The New Slogan for Sun: Related to Web 2.0

I've seen lately that our friend FSJ is wondering what our new slogan is going to be, and as I can see that he has not a clue at all, I want to make him a favor, in the name of the 'ol times where we were about to merge in one company, you know.
Well, I know that this kind of announcements are Jonathan specialty, but as he is kinda busy with the Microsoft announcement and buying some kind of "software" company, I want to give you the premier of the new slogan (besides, it is my invention, that is why Jonathan says I'm a great asset for the company). Ok, lets stop talking, here you have it:

Sun, we are the Zero in Web 2.0

You know, I liked the old one of the dot com, but revised for the new times.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Let's go Shopping!

Yeah, you may know it already, we are shopping, we are buying some companies to extend our superior dominance over the enterprise market.
The only thing is that Jonathan doesn't allow me to be at all the Board meetings (come on, oh, man oh man, you got the job thanks to me, lemme play a little bit, pleeeeeasse!!!).
Er, wel, ahemm, I'm sure Jonathan is going to ask me for a piece of advice on this subject, so I have just one piece of advice: play boldly! Play aggressively! Do a movement that will let that Jobso with his mouth open and saying "why I didn't do that before" (oh, sorry, I forgot Jobso only plays in minor leagues, selling consumer products, as they cannot compete in the reeeeal Enterprise market 'cause there is already a leader: Sun). Besides, he's too busy with the rebate issue and so on.
So, some suggestions: NetAppliace (and then fire all the NetApp board for just thinking of suing us). No wait, it ain't a good idea, I don't want to five a dime to those patent trolls. I think it will be better to promote a "NetApp away" program, as those we had with HP, to let them with no customer at all. I'll post abou it later.
Another suggestion: Titleist. They are very famous for making the best irons in the market (I guess that after our SunFire or Enterprise family, of course). Well I'm such a fan for iron that I never use woods playing golf.
Oh, wait, the intern is saying that Titleist is not a suitable company for Sun, despite their irons (What the hell do this interns know of business? Besides, they are all foreigners!!).
Oh, wait again, it seems that we are buying a software company.....
Weeeelll, ok, software... hmmmm, not a big one, with interesting technology, financial health... I know of some companies that may be queuing to be bought by us (Larry, sorry, I guess you are not appealing for us). Jonathan, you get me puzzled... If I held the reigns, I have some suggestions: RedHat (to do with them the same we did with Cobalt, just throw this frigging OS they have to the dustbin); Novell-Suse (to do with them the same we did with Cobalt and to boost our new 'friends' at IBM to adopt Solaris); that small losers company called Micro$oft (nah, just joking!); SAP (to sell it later to Larry, once we have doomed it as we did with Cobalt). What? Ah, ok, SAP is tooo big, ok, discard them. There is also that company called Bridgestream (uh, oh, ok, Larry called a few minutes ago to say they already purchased it...). Weelll. ok, Larry, you were faster this time, but I may buy Postgress or MySQL and do some harm to you in revenge, so don't go flaunting so much!

Well, Jonathan, I'm running out of ideas. Why don't you start a poll in your blog so people can just vote which company they'd be happy if bought it?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Homer: Thanks for inviting me to your show.

Dear Homer,

I really appreciate your invitation to take part in your show, in the episode "The Simpsons at wild west 2.0".
I am absolutely excited of being part of the show, and I really like the takes where I took part, but, honestly, I cannot remember filming the episode... and I'm not forgetting to take regularly my pills..

Anyhow, it seems like a kind of fashion for everybody in the Valley to be a part of your show, so I'd really thank you if you could broadcast again this episode, so I can show all the rest of the Fakes who was the real first fake to take part in your show.

Yours sincerely,

Fake Scott.

(Intern writer note: Should I address it to Homer, or to Fake Homer? Here at Bangalore we don't have very clear the meaning of all that Fake People. I should have followed my uncle Apu's advice to travel to Amerika to find a decent job at the Kwik-E-Mart).

Searching for Higher Marks

Jonathan, are you already back from your little excursion to El Capitan?
I have to recognize you have the guts, although I didn't expected you to come back so soon... I was planning to help you a little more with the company and planned a meeting with Michael Lehman (I have some frigging good ideas about turning up the shares and reaching higher marks for Sun).
Anyhow, Fake Larry told me he didn't finished the summit because he found it way too easy and because he had promised me a sail in his new litlle boat (you know him, he said that in the middle of the sea when we
were running out of dry Martinis), so that's the reason why he came back before time (I now he was quite happy when he begun hugging me and telling me how much he loved our Solaris to run his stuff instead of the Freetards stuff, you know...).
The thing is, Jonathan, I have a lot of faith in what you can achieve, so I have been searching for new opportunities for you, and ways of reaching higher marks for you and for Sun. So, next thing you have to do is climbing a higher mountain, like the one in the following picture:

And don't worry, it doesn't matter how long it takes you to do such a thing, I can handle the company while you are away. It is more, while you were climbing, our shares boosted, so it seems I did it quite right while you were on your little excursion... Imagine if you were away a few days more...

(Images from Fake Jonathan's Secret Diary and Wikipedia.org)